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WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly flustered while impotently pounding on the front door and pleading to come inside, President Trump was reportedly locked out of the White House Thursday after accidentally revoking his own security clearance. “C’mon, just open the door, guys! I didn’t mean to strip myself of access to classified information and restricted areas,” said…

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WASHINGTON—Assuming the subject would have at least been raised once during the past three days of confirmation hearings, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh confirmed Thursday that he was surprised not one senator had questioned him about the fact that he never went to law school. “Honestly, I’m kind of shocked…

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WASHINGTON—Admitting that he regretted his answer as soon as it came out of his mouth, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly panicking Wednesday after botching the part of his confirmation where he was asked if he rejects Satan. “Shit, I was supposed to say ‘yes,’” said Kavanaugh, who, when asked by the…

WASHINGTON—Expressing his gratitude that the president was a big enough dipshit to be this easily placated, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was reportedly relieved Wednesday that Donald Trump was so fucking stupid that he believed Bob Woodward had fabricated disparaging quotes from staffers in his upcoming book,

WASHINGTON—Fearing for his safety after an incident with Fred Guttenberg the previous day, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly packing a gun at his Senate hearing Wednesday in case the father of a Parkland shooting victim tried to shake his hand again. “If that son-of-a-bitch comes up and threatens to…TIMBERLAND Handbag TIMBERLAND Dark Handbag brown rrdRqw5x

WASHINGTON—Offering an overview of Americans’ opinions of the commander in chief’s job performance, a new poll released Friday indicated that President Trump’s disapproval rating had reached an all-time none of this matters. The report, released by who really cares which of the utterly useless polling firms and…

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Facing backlash for warning voters not to “monkey this up” and vote for his black political opponent, Andrew Gillum, Republican gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis held a press conference Thursday to clarify that his comments were intended as a subtle enough dog whistle to racists that he could…

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the rapid decrease in the population of several endangered species “problematic,” Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke called for new legislation Thursday designed to slow the destruction of the nation’s wildlife so that he might relish every last minute of its extinction. “We need to preserve…

WASHINGTON—Following the release of official reports that attributed 2,975 deaths to the 2017 storm instead of the previous estimate of 64, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he was revoking a significant amount of funding devoted to Puerto Rico after learning that Hurricane Maria had way fewer survivors.…

WASHINGTON—Saying the website has mounted a direct assault on free speech, Republicans in Congress told reporters Tuesday they were outraged by reports claiming the pornographic video site RedTube has censored conservative voices on its platform. “Sadly, RedTube displays a consistent left-leaning bias, whether through…

HOUSTON—With scenes in which the two little girls can be seen pleading with outstretched arms, a new Ted Cruz campaign ad released Tuesday features the incumbent U.S. senator’s children begging for challenger Beto O’Rourke to be their new dad. “Mr. O’Rourke, could you be our new daddy—please, please, please, with a…

WASHINGTON—Controversy surrounding whether the commander in chief was properly honoring recently deceased Senator John McCain increased Tuesday after reports indicated that the White House flag was now being moved up or down on its staff minute to minute to indicate President Donald Trump’s current mood. “It’s no…

WASHINGTON—In a timely tribute to a woman they are calling a fearless American hero, the White House released a statement Monday recognizing and honoring the woman who called then-presidential candidate Barack Obama an Arab during a town hall event in 2008. “It is with great reverence that we celebrate the courage,…

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WASHINGTON—In the wake of federal charges brought against the California lawmaker for multiple egregious campaign finance violations, GOP leadership released a statement Friday calling for Congressman Duncan Hunter’s resignation following the revelation that he is, in fact, poor. “Congressman Hunter’s actions simply…

WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror at the spectacular power of their newly birthed creation, members of the GOP reportedly gasped Thursday as a red-eyed, shadow special counsel smashed out of a gestation tank, with the dark Robert Mueller sputtering, “I will exonerate Trump.” “My God, what have we done?” said California…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Paul Manafort’s conviction and Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) told reporters Thursday that the mounting allegations against President Trump are not yet serious enough to make the scales fall from the eyes of Republicans and allow them to behold the sheer shrieking…

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